I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
