So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
