She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
