Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
