why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
