So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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