so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
