Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Are my feet made of real feet?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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