census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize