How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
