i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
