I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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