Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
