my sisters under your porch take her home
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
