Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
