I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
