Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
