i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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