I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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