I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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