bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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