Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think I sprained my soul last night
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
