I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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