The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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