R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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