I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
