My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
