We need to rekindle our bromance
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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