i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
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