Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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