At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
