the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
