I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
