I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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