Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
