I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
