did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
