My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
