Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
