one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
