Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
