Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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