I am in a vortex of obligation.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
