Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
