It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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