She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
