At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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