You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
