I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize