Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
