Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
