i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
