your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
