I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
