i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
