Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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