He asked to "fluff my boner.."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
