You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
