halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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