how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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